Behind every famous Author there is a Critic

Have you ever seen movies that don't seem to make any sense at all and are really very boring? We call them art films and those are the ones which win all the National awards. Any why? Some super intellectual person decides that if it's so hard to understand it must have some deep seated meaning and so it's an excellent movie. That's what happens most of the time, or at least that's what I think happens most of the time.
With books it's even worse. There have been lots and lots of books which went unread in their time and whose authors starved to death. But half a century later some guy decides that the book is worth more than it's weight in gold because it is an exposé of the human nature in disco lights or whatever else pops into his confudled head. And if that guy is influencial enough, people buy into his largely confusing interpretation and certify that the said book is indeed a masterpiece and start raising funds so that they can erect a statue of the said author in front of their local libraries.
And this is mostly true of poems. All those old classics are pretty good; as long as you have someone to explain them to you. The critics are so brilliant! They not only explain the poem and it's ever present importance and connection with the modern society, they also tell you in what state the poet was when he penned those lines. They can draw parallels between anything and everything. They can even tell you what the poet had for lunch. They can tell you everything except the name of the poet, which unfortunately was lost somewhere along the way. Without the critics, those 'great' works would probably just be worth their weight in firewood.

But I do wish I had my own super cool critic friend, who could find all sorts of hidden meaning in everything I write; who could read between lines, phrases and words and portray such a wonderful picture that even I would be stunned at my abilities.
Yes, that's what I'm going to do; befriend a critic.